Fall and winter seasonal affective disorder is the official way to classify those who, like me, are sad during the colder, darker, shorter months of the year, which (if you ask me) should be everyone on the earth. In fact, I think there’s something wrong with people who don’t fling themselves off the hopeless cliff of frigid winter despair every single day for several months on end. There’s a reason animals hibernate in the winter and that reason is that winter is only tolerable in a semi-vegetative state. There are those who disagree, and for these lunatics I have a new diagnosis… SDD: seasonal delusional disorder, a subset of reality classified by:
- an affinity for snow
- early onset Christmas decorations
- no concept whatsoever of the temperature
- excessive use of the word “cozy”
- the ability to dress in clothes other than sweatpants
- Ugg boots
Today all 50 states were below freezing, and I’m not sure I’ve ever felt greater despair. No one is safe. Not even Florida, which is where I planned to go this afternoon when I lost my mind and considered taking a “sabbatical” somewhere warm for a couple months because that’s a totally logical thing to do right now. False.
Winter renders me helpless and hopeless. Today after work, for example, I had grand plans to go to yoga and Crossfit and the grocery store and basically to just keep moving until I fell asleep so that maybe I’d forget what season it is. INSTEAD I came home, considered booking a flight to anywhere not here, ate all my pita chips, pondered whether this is truly all life is, lost all use of my limbs, and then went to bed. At 6pm.
I came to around 7pm when I dragged myself to Crossfit to lift heavy things in a warehouse with no heat. I have no words.
The weird thing about me in the winter is that while I’d like to just black out for four months, I am instead completely mentally wired and can’t even sleep at night. For four months I decide that every single thing in my life is wrong and should be excessively fretted about and then tossed out. I’m talking clothes, furniture, human beings, work. You name it, I’m over it in December. Burn it to the ground.
I was going to wrap this up with something like “It’s not all bad…” but it is and I can’t think of any of winter’s redeeming qualities so here is a dramatization of my current state: