Today I walked into an apartment and before even making it into the bedroom, spun around to the leasing agent and said, “This is it. I’ll do whatever it takes to get it. I’m done.” (Floor to ceiling windows have this effect on me.)
He was, I think, as shocked as I was since decisiveness has never been my nature, an Uptown high-rise was never on my radar, and apartments aren’t usually leased on a whim. But I’ve looked at a lot of places this week and after seeing a whole lot of wrong it’s easy to quickly see what’s right. It’s not that this place is perfect necessarily, but it’s what I want and what counts is that I know that.
There’s a waiting list just to get into this particular building so “whatever it takes” could prove to be more than I’ve bargained for, but my simple answer to any potential road blocks that may arise is, “I’ll figure it out. I can wait.”
And that, I’ve decided, is how I’m navigating life on this the eve of my last year in my 20s–with a clear vision of what I want, the scrappiness to get it, and the patience to wait for it when the timing just isn’t right.
The thing that’s making this apartment hunt different than the last seven I’ve had over the last seven years (ack) is that I went in with a very clear idea of exactly what I wanted. Historically, I’m notorious for dismissing my desires, blindly moving in, and then trying to convince myself it’s right. (Are we still talking about apartments…?)
Apartments aside, I’ve found that without expressing exactly what it is that I’m looking for, I spend a whole lot of my life apologizing for what I want or making excuses for what I already have.
How many times have I said I want one thing and done the other?
When what we want and what we’re doing aren’t aligned we’re basically in a losing battle with ourselves, the result of which leaves not just wants but needs unmet.
I’ve been reading A Course in Miracles for… ever now and back in February I wrote a post (that was never published) pulling lines from it to piece together what I wanted this year.
This is a year of joy, in which your listening will increase and peace will grow with its increase. This is the year for the application of the ideas that have been given you. For the ideas are mighty forces, to be used and not held idly by. Your bridge is built stronger than you think, and your foot is planted firmly on it. Have no fear that the attraction of those who stand on the other side and wait for you will not draw you safely across. For you will come where you would be, and where your self awaits you. This year is the time to make the easiest decision that ever confronted you, and also the only one. This year invest in truth and let it work peace.
So what I’m saying is that all I want for my birthday I’ve already got.
And I think this is going to be a very big year for lots of people around me. I’m watching my friends and family step into really big things, or teeter on the edge of them–marriage and divorce and babies and sickness and new careers and old dreams–and they are all moments worth observing and encouraging. Because in each one there is that choice to invest in truth and let it work peace. Chasing truth doesn’t always feel like a peaceful process; there’s lots of doubt and hurt and fear when you decide to finally apply the mighty forces of the ideas that have been given to you.
Go after them.
Quit. Start over. Give in. Give up. Go all out. Lean in. Whatever. Just do something. A wrong decision is worse than indecision. At least you tried and failed and learned. This whole life is nothing if not one big experiment. Try, fail, try, fail, try. Just try.
I think all too often we get wrapped up in what we want for ourselves or what our goals and plans and resolutions are and we forget that there’s a lot to gain from stepping back and seeing what everyone else is up to. I think it does all of us nothing but good to stand beside those who are making the shaky transition across the bridge.