I am so sick of drinking right now. I don’t know what it is but I feel like I have an event every single night of week and I don’t know about you but I’m not nearly strong enough in my “I hate drinking” conviction to turn away from an open bar BUT…
I’m not nearly the drinker I paint myself to be, promise. I’m a two-and-done kind of girl (most of the time), but two drinks five nights a week is killing me softly right now.
So in honor of my current alcohol exhaustion, here are the drinks I’ll definitely say no to:
- Shots – Never ever ever ever. Please don’t buy me a shot. If I already have a drink and am handed a shot I will on rare occasions pour it in and make it a double. But I do not ever shoot shots. I don’t know how people do this without puking. (Exception: Jello shots because that is basically a snack, not a drink. Pro Tip: Do not put swedish fish in your jello shots to celebrate shark week. They are a choking hazard.)
- Beer – I am excellent at turning down beer. It smells like college and makes me too full to eat, which is fun for no one four hours later. Occasionally I can be coerced into drinking whatever trendy local beer is on tap and I always kind of regret it. One time I ordered a champagne flight at a beer festival because I am the literal worst. Sorry, cool people.
- Anything Made in a Blender – Nothing good can come of an alcoholic drink made in a blender. They are one billion calories each and will give you a brain freeze AND a hangover. Who needs that? Life is hard enough, my friends. Plus, bartenders hate you for ordering it.
- Jaeger – Never. Do not even.
- Bourbon/Whiskey – I know, I’m sorry. In an attempt to emulate my dad and older brother I decided I would be a true Kentucky gentleman in college. My party beverage of choice was a large cup of Zaxby’s ice filled with Jim Beam. I am not kidding. The thought of this makes me want to die now. I can’t even smell it without shuddering.
When I’m not saying no to the list above, my current dranks of choice are:
- Champagne – I’m sorry. There’s no non-obnoxious way to spin this. I just like drinking champagne. I like it better than wine and there’s nothing I can do about it. In my defense I drink super cheap champagne if that helps. Champagne cocktails are everything.
- Vodka, Soda, Splash of Cranberry – I like a good vodka soda. Vodka is a dangerous liquor because vodka drunk is on like a two-hour delay for me. So sometimes I’m home before I even start to feel the effects and the next thing you know I’m eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch in my underwear while texting people I probably shouldn’t and trying to figure out if I can still get food delivered. It’s a slippery slope, the vodka soda.
- Tequila, Lime, Rocks, Splash of OJ – It’s tough to find a decent margarita around these parts so when in doubt I order a deconstructed version of it just like this. It avoids any confusion of whether or not I want it neon green and swimming in sour mix. (I do not.)
And when all else fails and I’ve had too much of my NO or YES drink list, this recovery beverage is fool proof:
In the biggest drinking receptacle you can find (I use a giant mason jar), fill it about 1/8 of the way with pineapple juice, add a couple tablespoons of apple cider vinegar and a sprinkle of cayenne pepper, and then fill the rest with water and ice. You can play with the proportions of juice to water, but try to get a lot more water in there. Drink this sucker before you go to bed and when you wake up. Miracle worker.