Welcome to your last Caturday of 2013. If anybody’s counting, that’s a solid four years of Caturday so you are welcome. If you’re feeling year-in-review-y, you can click here to see a 15-second snapshot of 69 catstagrams. If you are feeling cat stalker-y, you can read every Caturday ever here on my old blog.
Since I clearly love cats very much, here are the 12 worst things about owning a cat…
The 12 Worst Things About Owning a Cat
- Cat Hair – Sweet Jesus, the hair. It’s on everything no matter what and if you really want to talk a lose-lose situation get one white cat and one black cat and then try to go out in public looking presentable. Not possible.
- Litterbox Square Footage – No matter where you put it, the litterbox takes up more space than it should. Add to that the fact that each cat has to have its own litterbox and things start to really get out of hand.
- Litterbox Scattered Litter – There is no such thing as good kitty litter. Clever advertisers will try to tell you they sell “the world’s best kitty litter” but they are lying to you because there is no such thing because no matter what you buy your cats will fling it EVERYWHERE. Pine litter sucks. Wheat litter sucks. Clumping litter sucks. Even that new light litter is THE WORST. Sure the light litter means I don’t have to drag a 30-pound tub of kitty litter around Target refusing every offer of a cart because this is the best workout I’ve had in days. But you know what else light litter does? TRAVELS REALLY FAR. My cats fling it farther and wider than any litter in the history of litters. I hate all kitty litter.
- Litterbox Smell – Yes there are three litterbox-related complaints on the list of 12. One quarter of the worst things about having a cat have to do with how they poop. Tiny creatures create terrible smells. Enough said.
- Indecipherable Meowing – There is no way to tell what a cat wants especially if that cat is Weasel. They can have food, water, clean litterboxes, toys, beds and treats for days, and still Weaz wants to talk to me about something. The problem? I do talk to her. We talk all the time. I just don’t know what she’s saying which makes me look like the crazy one.
- No Surface is Safe – Cats walk on everything. Cutting board? Walkin’ on it. Freshly bleached counter top? Walkin’ on it? Still-hot stovetop? Walkin’ on it. Sparkling white shower? Walkin’ on it and leaving clumps of black hair in the wake. Bed? In it. Couch? On it. Refrigerator? On top of it. Clean laundry? Hairballin’ in it. NOTHING IS SAFE.
- Eatin’ Yer Food – Left some food out for 2 seconds? It’s been licked. Uncovered beverage unattended? Dirty litterbox paw has been dipped in it. You cannot win. Trust no one.
- Nocturnal and Narcoleptic at the Same Time – The old adage that cats sleep 23 hours a day is a lie and I know this because they are usually up during the 7 hours I’m trying to sleep and/or do work and/or sit quietly preferably with no one running sprints up and down the hallway for no reason. Sometimes they don’t move for days on end. Other times they are running laps inside your box springs.
- Cats Beget Cats – No one has just one cat. What kind of communist are you? Once you have one cat, hold on to your butt because everyone you’ve ever known since elementary school is going to call you when they find one and ask you to take it. And you know what? YOU WILL TAKE IT. And if you can’t find a home for it? You’ll keep it because that’s what nice people do. Your first cat is your gateway cat. The rest are already on their way. Resistance is futile.
- Hairballs – Watching your cat throw up a hairball is like that first time you hear your significant other puke: soul-crushing and inescapable. The sounds cannot be unheard. The sights cannot be unseen.
- Hypocritical Judgment – People seem to think it’s ok to judge you for having a cat but dog people somehow go unnoticed in their insanity. I have been to dog birthday parties. I saw a lady pushing a dog in a stroller. You see far more dogs in clothing than cats because cats don’t tolerate that shit. I have friends whose dogs ride a bus to doggy day care. Dog owners pick up poop with their hands. In Charlotte there is an entire bar for dogs. Can you imagine the backlash if I tried to open a bar for cats? Hypocrites.
- No One Understands – No one you talk to will ever understand why you love cats so much. Most cat owners themselves don’t even really get it because they have those lame cats that just hide under beds. You are alone in your love and hate.