A Real Day in the Life

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I think people only do “Day in the Life” posts when their life happens to be particularly cool or at least omg so busy. Here is my day that was so stupid and very very typical.

First, I sleep through all three of the alarms I use to get myself up for bootcamp. These alarms go off at 5a, 5:12 and 5:42. None of them work and I wake up around 8. It’s great to be failing before you even get out of bed. Now my trainer is going to guilt trip me tomorrow because that’s what I pay her for. Let’s eat some oatmeal…

After this I began negotiating a shower with myself and ultimately decide to forgo it in the essence of time. I then proceed to spend more time trying to hide the fact that I didn’t shower than it would have taken to just shower. Ok then. One major win was discovering this makeup man who gave me (and by me I mean Youtube) some excellent tips that even I can do, and I think my under eye bags were more concealed than ever before.

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Learning to Fall

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One of the first times I ever attempted handstand unassisted I fell flat on my back on a concrete slab. I never did it again.

The problem isn’t so much that I physically can’t achieve the heels over head posture. It’s that I mentally block the option with a fear of falling. Give me a wall and I’ll kick up into a strong stable handstand all day but remove the support and I won’t even try.

I’ve always wanted to be able to do handstand. It’s just one of those things yogis yearn for, I guess. I’ve gone to workshops and watched video tutorials. I record myself to see where my alignment is off. But what occurred to me recently is I don’t need lessons in handstand. I need lessons in falling.

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Wear It: KATE SPADE FOR CHEAP

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Marshall’s (and TJMaxx and Home Goods and that whole family of don’t-throw-it-away-we’ll-take-it stores) is a treasure trove of designer goods but for some reason no one believes me. According to their corporate site, Marshall’s is the largest “off-price” retailer in the US and according to me “off-price” means cheap, y’all.

I get that they’re not the loveliest stores on earth and I get that they’re not really organized and I get that 80% of their stock is straight up garbage, but I personally also get a whole of awesome stuff in there. You just have to dig.

I have picked up Coach purses, Gucci sunglasses, Seven jeans, killer shoes, expensive department store face creams and most recently this adorable little Kate Spade Saturday dress. (Unrelated to fashion but worthy of note, I also love picking up discounted “gourmet” food here. Things like chia seed bars and kale chips and assorted other overpriced things that didn’t sell in other stores find their way here with a cheaper price tag and eventually straight into my face. The home decor stuff is also so awesome.)

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Halloween Help

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I come from a long history of crafting Halloween costumes. My mom always made ours growing up and my brother carried the tradition into adulthood winning countless bar contests with his homemade costumes.

Personally, my crowning costume glory was showing up on the first page of Google when searching for “homemade cat costume” in my Weaz outfit. (I’ve dressed as both Ralph and Weaz over the years.) It has since been bumped by far sexier cats, I guess.

Anyway, Nick and I went to Party City last night for inspiration and it was nothing short of depressing. All those lame cheap costumes stuffed in bags. It’s the worst. I picked out two to try on and then didn’t because I was so offended by their lack of originality I just threw a temper tantrum instead.

So help. What are you being for Halloween this year? What can we be?

For reference we look like this:

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Easy Vegan Spiced Caramel Apple Crisp

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This spiced caramel apple crisp is vegan, free of added sugars, full of the season’s favorite spices and totally breakfast approved.

Let’s talk about it.

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Meal Prep 10.19.14

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Saturday was a low point in my aging process. Let’s just say by 8:15pm I had already called the police to report a “noise violation” and (unrelated to the other noise violation) rammed my broom against the ceiling in a battle against my upstairs neighbor’s decision to wear heels 24 hours a day. (SIT DOWN, GIRL. SIT. DOWN.) By 8:30 I was asleep.

I am 87 years old and the worst.

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Caturday 10.18.14

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Good Caturday morning. Here’s what happens when I accidentally wake up at 6 on a Saturday…

Weaz is sitting behind the fan staring at me. I recently watched two hours of Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet, a show about exotic pets that kill their owners. I fear she is a threat but let’s see what’s happening on Instagram…

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What I’m Reading 10.17.14

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Good Friday morning to us all. We have made it. Cheers.

I’d like to begin by discussing how annoying stuffed peppers are and then we’ll move on from there.

First of all, stuffed peppers fall into a category of Food That Gets in its Own Way along with such travesties as: the wedge salad, caramel apples and hard-shell tacos. Each of these foods is delivered as a visually impressive but inedible whole only to be mutilated and dissected for consumption by the eater.

Do not bring me a salad I have to chop and dress myself. Don’t create a taco filling vessel that can’t hold taco fillings or its shape after one bite. I’ll just eat nachos. Don’t hand me something the size of a softball on a stick the size of a pencil, cover it in sticky goo and be like, “Good luck with that.”

Don’t do it.

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The Placebo Cocktail

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Apple cider vinegar is a darling of the “alternative health” world claiming miracle cures for everything from weight loss and acne to dandruff, yeast infections, sunburns and high cholesterol. While a simple Google search returns a wealth of lay literature on the topic, clinical evidence is pretty hard to come by.

So why do I drink it every day?

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Wear It: PINK WEDDING

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Last week my friend Brittany got married in a beautiful black-tie-optional event at Daniel Stowe Botanical Garden. For the first time in my life I had purchased a dress weeks prior to the event only to turn around on the day of and buy this pink dress instead.

If you see me at an event of any kind, odds are I purchased what I’m wearing a few hours prior. I just can’t handle the pressure of committing to something in advance. What if I change my mind? What about the weather? What if I’m feeling particularly fat or skinny on that day? What if my hair is misbehaving and has to go up when the dress looks better with it down? You see what I’m saying.

I suspect I will do this one day with a wedding dress. It will give everyone a heart attack but me because this is just how I operate.

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